Thank you to all who read my first blog I hope you like it and at some point maybe post your story so I can get to know you too if you want. But anywhoo I've never done a blog and don't really know to make it pretty so I'm learning hope you still like the words on the page not just leave because it's not that pretty I'll get better I promise.
Today I felt like it was on my heart to talk about grieving letting go and letting God be in control of your life and what I personally have learned about judging and love. After my mom died it was tough again I had my dad and I'm so blessed for him and I grieved but I felt about it because people didn't understand I was young and to be honest I thought no one could relate like everyone could just move on and forget about my mom and I was stuck. I looked alot like her to so I always thought of it as a curse I wanted to be strong for my family and so I was for a while I put on the happy face I tried to be positive and push through that nawing pain of grief when you lose someone. I talked to people about it but when ever I felt like I was going to be attacked whether it was about my mom or anything in general I avoided the conversation. I hated to have a fight to hurt people, to say how I felt in fear of hurting people or for them to worry about me. I thought I was alone, I thought I had to be strong all the time I didn't know what it was like to trust in the one that matters (God) and at 19 now I'm starting to realize how I had it all wrong. I'm not alone and even though I looked good on the outside and I learned alot about how to love I still was wrong on the inside. I let peoples idea of hey your using your mom to get attention and all the negative things they said about me bring me down even if I didn't realize I was doing it. I went to counseling about it a year ago and she was like it never really sounded like you had the chance to grief/you felt bad about grieving and I think that's so true but at the same time I think grieving is an everyday process one minute something can trigger that love or that feeling of the person you miss like me looking like my mom or something that still triggers memories of there smell or some feeling that you remember they give. That is why it so cool when you establish relationship all the things you can learn from them and how they help shape you or how sometimes you feel like they are going to shape you into someone your not so how you have to walk away and learn and just love and remember all the good and bad because it makes you who you are. But the biggest failure I think in humans is when we judge and focus on ourselves and we say were loving but we already have it all programed out on are time then we forget and we loose the time we have with that person because or focus is on how we feel and what we want from the relationship and it becomes a selfish love which isn't really love at all. Love doesn't go into it saying what can I get out of this relationship and I know this because my dad could of walked out he could of said hey hunny I know your hurting in pain/through surgery but I can't do it anymore. He could of left me or given me up when my mom died he could of showed me his grief everyday and made me feel bad about losing my mom and found me to blame took his pain out on me. I mean there so many things my dad could of done if he didn't love me selflessly but he didn't he made time for me, he never once made me feel like I didn't come home to a happy home a place where I knew I was loved, yes sometimes we had fights that were silly but he was always there. He never was disrespectful or saying words to break me down he would offer words of wisdom even if sometimes I didn't want to hear it but he wouldn't tell me what to do. I know I'm making my dad out to be perfect and he's not no one is but God. But the point I'm trying to make is that take responsibility for your actions love with not todays society's view what's in it for me what do I get out of it? But love people with kindness, understanding, patience, tenderness, and don't make them feel bad for things because your hurt and if you do that or someone does that to you like in my first blog find out the deeper reason because if you walk away your just like everyone else leaving them empty hungry for more. I mean sometimes thats all you can do is walk out when you tried hard to talk to them and they are not willing but I mean pray for them, be kind and just don't be quick to judge is my point because you have no idea what someones going through or there story. The guy with the scars on his face or the child with the bruises on her back being nasty to her parent and the mom yelling at her daughter to calm down they need the prayers the most and that kindness but most importantly be humble and be ready to admit your flaws because nobody likes fake people and try to help someone they will find any way to point out your flaws and bring you down and if your defensive and not open to your mistake how does anyone learn in life but not make the same mistakes again ? Be the light not the darkness that doesn't have to justify who they are.
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