Thank you to all who read my first blog I hope you like it and at some point maybe post your story so I can get to know you too if you want. But anywhoo I've never done a blog and don't really know to make it pretty so I'm learning hope you still like the words on the page not just leave because it's not that pretty I'll get better I promise.
Today I felt like it was on my heart to talk about grieving letting go and letting God be in control of your life and what I personally have learned about judging and love. After my mom died it was tough again I had my dad and I'm so blessed for him and I grieved but I felt about it because people didn't understand I was young and to be honest I thought no one could relate like everyone could just move on and forget about my mom and I was stuck. I looked alot like her to so I always thought of it as a curse I wanted to be strong for my family and so I was for a while I put on the happy face I tried to be positive and push through that nawing pain of grief when you lose someone. I talked to people about it but when ever I felt like I was going to be attacked whether it was about my mom or anything in general I avoided the conversation. I hated to have a fight to hurt people, to say how I felt in fear of hurting people or for them to worry about me. I thought I was alone, I thought I had to be strong all the time I didn't know what it was like to trust in the one that matters (God) and at 19 now I'm starting to realize how I had it all wrong. I'm not alone and even though I looked good on the outside and I learned alot about how to love I still was wrong on the inside. I let peoples idea of hey your using your mom to get attention and all the negative things they said about me bring me down even if I didn't realize I was doing it. I went to counseling about it a year ago and she was like it never really sounded like you had the chance to grief/you felt bad about grieving and I think that's so true but at the same time I think grieving is an everyday process one minute something can trigger that love or that feeling of the person you miss like me looking like my mom or something that still triggers memories of there smell or some feeling that you remember they give. That is why it so cool when you establish relationship all the things you can learn from them and how they help shape you or how sometimes you feel like they are going to shape you into someone your not so how you have to walk away and learn and just love and remember all the good and bad because it makes you who you are. But the biggest failure I think in humans is when we judge and focus on ourselves and we say were loving but we already have it all programed out on are time then we forget and we loose the time we have with that person because or focus is on how we feel and what we want from the relationship and it becomes a selfish love which isn't really love at all. Love doesn't go into it saying what can I get out of this relationship and I know this because my dad could of walked out he could of said hey hunny I know your hurting in pain/through surgery but I can't do it anymore. He could of left me or given me up when my mom died he could of showed me his grief everyday and made me feel bad about losing my mom and found me to blame took his pain out on me. I mean there so many things my dad could of done if he didn't love me selflessly but he didn't he made time for me, he never once made me feel like I didn't come home to a happy home a place where I knew I was loved, yes sometimes we had fights that were silly but he was always there. He never was disrespectful or saying words to break me down he would offer words of wisdom even if sometimes I didn't want to hear it but he wouldn't tell me what to do. I know I'm making my dad out to be perfect and he's not no one is but God. But the point I'm trying to make is that take responsibility for your actions love with not todays society's view what's in it for me what do I get out of it? But love people with kindness, understanding, patience, tenderness, and don't make them feel bad for things because your hurt and if you do that or someone does that to you like in my first blog find out the deeper reason because if you walk away your just like everyone else leaving them empty hungry for more. I mean sometimes thats all you can do is walk out when you tried hard to talk to them and they are not willing but I mean pray for them, be kind and just don't be quick to judge is my point because you have no idea what someones going through or there story. The guy with the scars on his face or the child with the bruises on her back being nasty to her parent and the mom yelling at her daughter to calm down they need the prayers the most and that kindness but most importantly be humble and be ready to admit your flaws because nobody likes fake people and try to help someone they will find any way to point out your flaws and bring you down and if your defensive and not open to your mistake how does anyone learn in life but not make the same mistakes again ? Be the light not the darkness that doesn't have to justify who they are.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Introduction why i'm writing?
Hi your probably reading this and wondering why in the world should I read this ? What is this about ? What's her point ? I'm writing this because I love writing and I have alot to say and its easier to be honest in writing to say what you want to say and not be judged and just get it all out and get lost in what you say at least that's how writing is for me. So to answer my questions I'm writing to welcome other journeys and to hear other ideas and just to write and have someone listen to my story if they want or if they aren't interested that's fine to we can travel together learn together or you can just listen and go on with your life but anyways I guess now time to write a little about who I am and what journey I'm talking about. Also I'm hoping my story will help me heal and maybe some of you can get alot from it a hope or inspiration. I would love to hear other stories too. I don't want this blog to only about me.
I'm a college student, cook, cat lover, girl (woman I should say got my big girl pants on now once you turn 19 haha) just trying to make a difference and learn from experiences and the world around her and grow in faith everyday. Growing up I had a great life, I really did, I have the perfect family I have a mom who was my angel and the best mom anyone could ever ask for. She taught me what love is how to be funny, happy, and live a carefree life no matter what life throws at you. Then seeing my dad he was funny to but he was the uptight, corny kid that just was so innocent and funny and cute you didn't even know why you were laughing but you couldn't help yourself because he is just so adorable. My parents taught me what love was and what I always wanted love to be for myself. My mom and dad would fight over directions and just the way they did it was so funny just being around them you could feel that warmth they were a team and not just that. Like one day I was wearing boots and I remember my mom and dad just busted out with the song "my boots are made for walking song." That was them they had a passion for life and for each other. My mom was a teacher and she took her work home with her and just worked hard to make a difference. When I was 10 three days before my eleventh birthday that all changed and how it effected me but just life in general I guess this would be the climax of the story. My mom had breast cancer since I was 7 I think and it was hard seeing her loose her hair and go through the treatments but no matter what it never seemed to tear her faith or happiness down. She was sick for about two to three years with breast cancer and then she was fine for a year I remember a month before she died going and the doctors saying everything was fine and believing that and me so happy to have my mom back and us moving forward no more pain, so I thought. A week before my birthday she fell over at school and was rushed to the hospital they didn't know why and for days didn't really know what happened eventually her health just kept declining after she died we figured out she had liver cancer. My dad stayed by her side the whole time and I was 10 and scared and being a coward/didn't want to see her like that didn't really visit as much as I would have liked. When I did visit she would talk about my birthday party and make sure my dad was doing that right and taking care of things like nothing was wrong. She kept trying to always do things on her own and eventually the night of her death I remember the defying moment when I realized I was so lucky and blessed to have an angel and a mom like her. She was dieing and was counting angels trying to get up and do things for others even though she was about to die.I remember how hard it was to say goodbye not knowing because I was so young that it was goodbye my parent I always thought of as superheros so imagining one of them not together anymore was just foreign like a bad dream to me. Then she died the next day and I remember staying up that night and praying that God would heal her that's all I wanted for my birthday three days before my eleventh birthday. But God did heal her just not in the way I wanted or expected. I guess God needed a great there angel back, right ? After it was hard I went into middle school and people didn't understand I mean you don't until you experience it. People were mean and spread rumors that she didn't die and that I used her death to get attention but all along the girl that did this her story was way worse then mine her parents had both died young. I know my stories sad but I'm so grateful and blessed I had an AMAZING dad who helped me through all of it who loved me blindlessly he always worked hard to spoil me in every way possible and she didn't have that and so even though through middle school I had hard times it was like how am I to judge someone when they have so much hurt in their heart ? So yes I did say some mean things and yes it was hard but I had God and I knew God through my mom and my dads life he always showed in them that I made it and I didn't even realize it was God until later in life. But anyways I'm so thankful for all the hurt just because it taught me how to be stronger and how to have empathy and even though I wish I could of handled things differently now I'm 19 years old I've lost alot more people had alot more tragedies seen alot more tragedies but I have hope and I want to be a social worker for kids that don't have that kind of love growing up like foster kids that don't have anybody because I can't imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have anybody there by my side to help me through all the pain. My dad helped make my life beautiful and helped shape me to be who I am now to have that kind of love not about themselves but about you. So eventually I want to own a business with foster kids and special needs kids working together to cook meals and do food crafts and all kinds of food stuff and maybe even a bakery in the front. But mainly I'm writing this too because I want to express how important life and time is. You can't get it back no matter how hard you try or cry but most importantly parents please please spend time with your kid cherish them while you can they grow up fast and then there gone and you still can talk to them but it's not the same you never know what can happen. You could die tomorrow and its just so important to show your kids love and make sure they always know how much you mean to them and that you raise them right so they know your love when they get older and can appreciate sometimes tough love can come back but you don't want to loose your kid or your mom or dad especially if you don't have someone in your life that cares. But please if you have learning anything from this blog I hope you've learned to please help people through everybody needs a little help now and then or just to know someones there for them that's what love is just being there for them without any intent of being prideful or goal for you just because you want to bless that person and bring a little light into there life.
That's me hope you like. will post another blog eventually describes more about my now journey.
Thanks for reading.
I'm a college student, cook, cat lover, girl (woman I should say got my big girl pants on now once you turn 19 haha) just trying to make a difference and learn from experiences and the world around her and grow in faith everyday. Growing up I had a great life, I really did, I have the perfect family I have a mom who was my angel and the best mom anyone could ever ask for. She taught me what love is how to be funny, happy, and live a carefree life no matter what life throws at you. Then seeing my dad he was funny to but he was the uptight, corny kid that just was so innocent and funny and cute you didn't even know why you were laughing but you couldn't help yourself because he is just so adorable. My parents taught me what love was and what I always wanted love to be for myself. My mom and dad would fight over directions and just the way they did it was so funny just being around them you could feel that warmth they were a team and not just that. Like one day I was wearing boots and I remember my mom and dad just busted out with the song "my boots are made for walking song." That was them they had a passion for life and for each other. My mom was a teacher and she took her work home with her and just worked hard to make a difference. When I was 10 three days before my eleventh birthday that all changed and how it effected me but just life in general I guess this would be the climax of the story. My mom had breast cancer since I was 7 I think and it was hard seeing her loose her hair and go through the treatments but no matter what it never seemed to tear her faith or happiness down. She was sick for about two to three years with breast cancer and then she was fine for a year I remember a month before she died going and the doctors saying everything was fine and believing that and me so happy to have my mom back and us moving forward no more pain, so I thought. A week before my birthday she fell over at school and was rushed to the hospital they didn't know why and for days didn't really know what happened eventually her health just kept declining after she died we figured out she had liver cancer. My dad stayed by her side the whole time and I was 10 and scared and being a coward/didn't want to see her like that didn't really visit as much as I would have liked. When I did visit she would talk about my birthday party and make sure my dad was doing that right and taking care of things like nothing was wrong. She kept trying to always do things on her own and eventually the night of her death I remember the defying moment when I realized I was so lucky and blessed to have an angel and a mom like her. She was dieing and was counting angels trying to get up and do things for others even though she was about to die.I remember how hard it was to say goodbye not knowing because I was so young that it was goodbye my parent I always thought of as superheros so imagining one of them not together anymore was just foreign like a bad dream to me. Then she died the next day and I remember staying up that night and praying that God would heal her that's all I wanted for my birthday three days before my eleventh birthday. But God did heal her just not in the way I wanted or expected. I guess God needed a great there angel back, right ? After it was hard I went into middle school and people didn't understand I mean you don't until you experience it. People were mean and spread rumors that she didn't die and that I used her death to get attention but all along the girl that did this her story was way worse then mine her parents had both died young. I know my stories sad but I'm so grateful and blessed I had an AMAZING dad who helped me through all of it who loved me blindlessly he always worked hard to spoil me in every way possible and she didn't have that and so even though through middle school I had hard times it was like how am I to judge someone when they have so much hurt in their heart ? So yes I did say some mean things and yes it was hard but I had God and I knew God through my mom and my dads life he always showed in them that I made it and I didn't even realize it was God until later in life. But anyways I'm so thankful for all the hurt just because it taught me how to be stronger and how to have empathy and even though I wish I could of handled things differently now I'm 19 years old I've lost alot more people had alot more tragedies seen alot more tragedies but I have hope and I want to be a social worker for kids that don't have that kind of love growing up like foster kids that don't have anybody because I can't imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have anybody there by my side to help me through all the pain. My dad helped make my life beautiful and helped shape me to be who I am now to have that kind of love not about themselves but about you. So eventually I want to own a business with foster kids and special needs kids working together to cook meals and do food crafts and all kinds of food stuff and maybe even a bakery in the front. But mainly I'm writing this too because I want to express how important life and time is. You can't get it back no matter how hard you try or cry but most importantly parents please please spend time with your kid cherish them while you can they grow up fast and then there gone and you still can talk to them but it's not the same you never know what can happen. You could die tomorrow and its just so important to show your kids love and make sure they always know how much you mean to them and that you raise them right so they know your love when they get older and can appreciate sometimes tough love can come back but you don't want to loose your kid or your mom or dad especially if you don't have someone in your life that cares. But please if you have learning anything from this blog I hope you've learned to please help people through everybody needs a little help now and then or just to know someones there for them that's what love is just being there for them without any intent of being prideful or goal for you just because you want to bless that person and bring a little light into there life.
That's me hope you like. will post another blog eventually describes more about my now journey.
Thanks for reading.
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